The Man, the Grand Admiral, the Deity: Thrawn
by royishere
Summary: A humourous take on Timothy Zahn's writing style with his favourite characters Thrawn and Mara Jade at the forefront. Can Luke cock his eyebrow with enough force to stop Thrawn's sardonic attack? This was originally written by Evenflow at theforce. net


((**All credit to Evenflow. If he or anyone else has a problem with this being up on my account, I will remove it. I just thought it was too funny to remain in the depths of a forum, unedited and unappreciated.**))

The Imperial Star Destroyer Chimaera drifted silently in the middle of space. On the bridge, Captain Pellaeon cocked an eyebrow as he approached Grand Admiral Thrawn.

"All systems report normal, sir," Pellaeon told his superior.

Thrawn turned around to regard his subordinate, and Pellaeon noted his shimmering blue-black hair and his pale blue skin. Thrawn cocked a blue-black eyebrow sardonically.

"Ah! Excellent, Captain. The demise of the Rebellion is getting sooner everyday. Ah!" Thrawn said dryly, yet coolly. Pellaeon felt his lower left lip turn into a feral grin, but he wasn't really sure why.

"Yes sir, you've been saying this for…," began Pellaeon, but suddenly, Thrawn raised a blue skinned hand and cocked a blue-black eyebrow.

"Ah! Quiet a moment, captain, Ah!" he said sardonically. Pellaeon again noticed Thrawn's shimmering blue-black hair and his cocking blue-black eyebrows, but what interested Pellaeon was the location where Thrawn's glowing red eyes were looking: directly at the bridge janitor, who was picking up a discarded piece of trash. "What is your analysis, captain?" asked Thrawn coolly, his voice coolly modulated.

"I'm not sure, sir, but from what I gather this janitor is picking up a piece of trash," Pellaeon growled dryly.

"Ah!" said Thrawn, coolly cocking a blue-black eyebrow while his blue-black hair shimmered. "Observe more closely, captain, do you notice the composition of the trash in question?" Thrawn asked, his voice cooling slightly.

Pellaeon felt the hair on his apparently extremely hairy neck stand on end, a very frequent occurrence. "It appears to be a discarded can of Nebula Cola, sir," Pellaeon growled.

"Ah, but look closely at the type of lettering that is etched at the bottom of the can, captain. The lettering is very similar to lettering on a specific piece of art I have," Thrawn said, and somehow his voice was getting even cooler. Pellaeon secretly wished for a fire to be lit under his ass to warm him up from this perpetually cooling conversation. He looked stupidly at the brilliant Grand Admiral.

"Sound the alarms, captain. We have an intruder on board. And set the Chimaera's self destruct sequence. Ah!" Thrawn said, his voice warming a few degrees, despite his cocking blue-black eyebrow and shimmering blue-black hair.

"Um, self-destruct, sir? What the fuck just happened?" Pellaeon growled, at the same time cocking an eyebrow.

"Ah! You see, captain, there has been a recent attack on our base in the Elrooshi sector, the sector that is next to the sector where the planet Ukio is located, and _that_," Thrawn paused dramatically, cocking a blue-black eyebrow and glittering his red eyes, "is where this can of soda came from. Ah!" He finished dramatically.

"I still fail to see its importance, sir," Pellaeon growled even louder, but at least the hair on his neck wasn't standing anymore.

"Ah! Observe, captain: the attack in the Elrooshi sector forced us to divert our rescources from it's neighboring sector. When that occurred, a small Rebel craft, likely piloted by Han Solo, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker, Talon Karrde, and Chief of State Mon Mothma, slowly sneaked their way into Ukio, where one of them, propably Captain Solo, ordered a meal from one of the local vendors.

They then split up, Leia and Chewbacca going to Kashyyk, while Solo and Skywalker infiltrated the Chimaera to plant that discarded soda can, in their attempt to make us believe that an attack on Ukio is imminent and that they were in the process of scouting the planet, furthermore…," Thrawn's blue-black lips continued to paint a beautiful portrait of what had happened.

At this time, Pellaeon was growling, perhaps only in his mind, but growling all the same, and he interrupted the brilliant Grand Admiral and his brilliant shimmering blue-black hair and his expertly cocking blue-black eyebrows, but kept eye contact with Thrawn's glowing red eyes, which were now mere slits as he concentrated in his thinking.

_Yes, soon the rebels will fall, and the galaxy will be ours once again!_ Pellaeon thought to himself, and couldn't help stopping the lower left bottom right corner of his upper lip from turning into a feral, if microscopic grin.

Chapter 2

Meanwhile, on the planet Myrkr….

"…And that's what I was, Skywalker. I was the EMPEROR'S HAND. Do you understand that? I... was... a... HAND. Just like your hand is so close to you, it was the same in my case, he gave me that name because I was like his hand, and that's why he called me the Emperor's Hand. I was supposed to represent something that is as important and reliable to him as his own hand, and that's why……" said Mara Jade, a mysteriously beautiful, yet exotic woman.

Luke Skywalker listened to Mara Jade dryly telling her tale as he cut away a rather thick grouping of vines blocking their way.

He turned to look at Mara. "Hey, Mara, I think I may need some help over here," He said dryly and sardonically.

Mara, in the middle of telling her tale about how she once infiltrated a ghost pirate spaceship that was full of cloned Force sensitive ninjas with only a pair of scissors as her weapon, stopped abrubtly at his question, and her eyelids turned to mere slits over her green eyes. Her face may have twitched slightly, but Luke couldn't really tell, and he wondered privately why the hell he's noticing all these little details on people all of a sudden.

"Fine, Skywalker!" Mara spat out, cocking her eyebrows. "I have a technique that the Emperor taught me back when I was the EMPEROR'S HAND that deals specifically with this situation, and even this type of plant on this same exact planet in this exact kind of weather. Now stand back, Skywalker!" she spat again, but Luke noticed the lack of a cocking eyebrow, this time.

Luke Skywalker moved out of the way, and Mara went ahead of him and started to pull on the vines, seemingly in a random, if clumsy, fashion, but Luke knew better than that: Mara was an Emperor's Hand, and she was both extremely deadly and exotically beautiful, the same way that Thrawn is both calculated and brilliant.

"Mara, why did you leave the Empire?" He asked dryly, tilting his head slightly to the side for some reason, at the same time coordinating the cocking of his eyebrow to coincide with the movement of his head. Mara sighed and cocked her head, not her eyebrow, at him, and her green eyes bored into him like laser beams. "I don't like talking about my past, Skywalker, ever!" she spat out, and Luke couldn't help but think to himself: _If we are to defeat Thrawn and the Empire, Mara, you have to open up to me sooner or later. You can't keep your past so secretive. You have to trust me and tell me more about yourself…._

Chapter 3:

With a flicker of psuedomotion, the Star Destroyer _Chimaera_ came out of hyperspace. Captain Pellaeon entered the bridge, heading straight for the Grand Admiral. From the corner of his eye he noticed the Admiral sitting alone on his command chair, cocking his blue-black eyebrow and moving his lips into various positions, from the sardonically feral to the dryly smiling, all the while tilting his head to the side and making subtle movments with his fingers.

Pellaeon at first thought that the Admiral was talking to someone on his computer screen, but as he approached, he noticed that the screen was blank. "Admiral, reporting for duty" Pellaeon growled.

"Ah! Captain, so good of you to join me!" Thrawn said, even more coolly that usual.

"Why did we come to Myrkr, sir?" Pellaeon growled.

"Ah!! Approximately two days ago, I noticed that Intelligence reported that a group of vines, recently intact, has been cut into pieces and become untangeled in the Myrkr forest. Your conclusions?" Thrawn asked dryly, tilting his head to the side.

"I'm not entirely sure, admiral, it could just be animals or anything else," Pellaeon growled, but felt no need to cock an eyebrow. Yet.

"Ah! But this is certainly worth looking into, don't you think? And besides, us coming here serves a dual purpose…."

Even as Thrawn said this, coolly, the pit crew signaled that a transmission was coming for the surface… and then Pellaeon understood: Thrawn's earlier erratic behavior as he came to the bridge, the cocking eyebrows, the tilting head, the smirks and sardonic expressions, the subtle movements of his lips and hands, it could only mean one thing: Thrawn was expecting a call from possibly the only man alive that can match Thrawn in cool calculation and condescending tones, the only man who can match Thrawn's masterful cocking of eyebrows and subtle movments of the lips, the only man who can out-sardonic the sardonic Thrawn:

Tallon Karrde.

Pellaeon excpected to feel the hairs on his neck rise, but strangely that didn't occur. He resigned himself to cocking an eyebrow instead. Suddenly the screen in front of Thrawn came to life, and Karrde's cool and calculated face came to life.

"Ah!" Karrde said, and it was apparently obvious that he was ready for a cool and calculated verbal exhange.

"Ah!" Thrawn replied in kind, letting his tone masterfully drop a few degrees.

"Ah! Grand Admiral Thrawn, to what do I owe this honor?" Karrde said, and Pellaeon couldn't help but notice how he managed to let his tone become even cooler and more suave than Thrawn's.

Thrawn also didn't miss it, apparently. He coolly cocked a blue-black eyebrow. "Ah! Reports have reached me of a rather inexplicable separation of some vines in the Myrkr forest, I gather you've heard of it by now?" Thrawn said, but it was obvious he had a little harder time making his voice sound cooler and more calculated.

"Ah! But if a velroosi tree fell in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Karrde asked, matching Thrawn's tone expertly and letting a feral sardonic grin form on his lips.

_Good response_, Pellaeon thought.

The Grand Admiral was not as ready to admit defeat, however. "Ah! But what if someone had the foresight to install listening devices in the area beforehand?" countered Thrawn, this time managing to let his tone cool about 1.5 degrees more than before, and throwing in a blue-black cocking eyebrow for good measure.

"Ah! But which travels faster? Sound or motion?" Karrde let out sardonically, yet also dryly, matching Thrawn's blue-black cocking eyebrow with a cock of his own eyebrows, and, to add insult to injury, pulled off the most devastating of all cool and calculating moves: crossing of the legs.

Pellaeon risked a sideways glance at his superior, forgetting for a second that his still cocked eyebrow made that move particularly difficult. He uncocked his eyebrow, tilted his head slightly to the side, then recocked his eyebrow, but to his astonishment, the Grand Admiral was now leaning back in his chair, his blue hand coolly resting at his chin, with a cocked blue-black eyebrow, a sardonic, feral twist on his lower lip, and his eyelids closed so that his glittering red eyes appeared as slits, Thrawn was pulling all his cool and calculated moves from his repoitoire in this exchange.

"Ah! But what if someone else had the foresight to install sound-dampening devices before hand, thus making the motion of the tree falling precede the sound of it actually falling?" Thrawn said, and to Pellaeon's utter astonishment, was able to let his voice even cool a few degrees more than before, not much, but if it was obvious to Pellaeon, it surely would be like a cannon blast to someone like Karrde.

Pellaeon glanced at Karrde, and he briefly noticed a slight twitch in the man's calm and cool demeanor, but it only lasted a second.

"Ah! But what if someone before that had the idea to sabotage that dampening device before….," Karrde countered sardonically while stroking his chin with flickers of pseudomotion.

Pellaeon, at that point, felt the hair on his neck stand, which he fully expected, and mentally braced himself. _This is going to be a long night,_ he growled mentally to himself.

Chapter 4:

Leia Organa Solo was standing alone on the terrace of her Coruscant apartment, watching the flickers of psuedomotion that were the ships in orbit around the planet, when she heard her apartment door open from behind her. She turned around to see the gambler Lando Calrissian, the Wookie Chewbacca, and her husband Han Solo, who doesn't really have a real job. "Ah, Han. Good to see you" Leia said dryly.

"Hi, sweetheart" Han replied, also dryly, as he sat down to eat the Galaxy Burger meal he had gotten.

"You want some, sweetheart? This stuff's pretty good," Han asked wryly.

"Indeed. But I don't think that that is prudent at the moment," came Leia's easygoing response.

Han smirked, privately wondering when his wife became so sardonically frigid and formal, and turned around to offer Lando some of his meal, when he saw the other man standing rigid, his eyes wide in surprise and staring straight at the burger in Han's hand.

"Lando, what is it?" Han asked.

"Indeed, Lando, what could be the matter?" Leia added.

Chewbacca growled dryly as well.

"Han….. that burger," Lando said, his voice strangely distant and sardonic.

"Yeah, what about it?" Han asked wryly.

"Indeed, Lando, to what can we attribute your apparent surprise with this food item?" Leia dryly added.

"Han.... Leia.... You don't understand, that burger... It's cut into a square shape…," Lando replied, dryly letting his voice trail off, adding to the suspense.

"So?" Han asked in his characteristically rougish manner.

"Indeed Lando, I fail to find supporting evidence that adds credence to your statement, indeed," Leia wryly added.

"There is only one place in history, ONE instance, where burgers were cut into square pieces…," Lando paused dramatically "and that was... on the KATANA FLEET". Both Leia and Han inhaled sharply.

"Indeed? The Katana Fleet, Lando?" Leia asked breathlessly, but in a sardonic manner.

"But that means we have to hurry before the brilliant Grand Admiral gets to it, because, knowing Thrawn, who's a genius, he's propably looking for the Katana fleet right now!" Han added.

"Point," Lando replied simply, "But what's the use? Thrawn is a Grand Admiral, and brilliant. We stand no chance," Lando continued, a tone of resignation showing through his voice.

"Point, indeed," Leia added, mentally preparing a tally sheet in her head to keep track of who will get the most points by the end of this conversation. "But, indeed, we must not be so quick to abandon all hope," Leia added dryly.

"Point, but then again Thrawn is really brilliant, and we will only lose if we were to confront him. The Katana fleet is already his, we lost," Lando said in an even more resigned tone.

Before Leia could reply, someone entered the apartment from behind. "Point," Luke Skywalker added.

"Ah, Luke, indeed," Leia said warmly, greeting her brother, but couldn't help but notice the ferally sardonic wryly microscopic grin on the lower right corner of his lip "Luke, indeed, what is it?" Leia asked inquisitively.

"On my way back here, my X-wing malfunctioned and came out of hyperspace... right next to the Katana Fleet!!" revealed Luke dramatically. Suddenly, the room was sardonically silent, and, with a flicker of psuedomotion, Leia was rushing to the door of her apartment. She had to inform the council of what happened, of Han's strangely shaped burger, and of Luke's run-in with the Katana fleet.

Chapter 5:

Captain Pellaeon's eyes shot nervously around the raging battle that was now taking place just outside the Chimaera's viewport, and next to him, Grand Admiral Thrawn stood in his brilliant white grand admiral's uniform, with his pale blue skin contrasting with his glowing red eyes and his shimmering blue-black hair.

Pellaeon grimly checked his ubiquitous datapad. Delta team, the team assigned to infiltrate the enemy base on the planet Mrrst to steal a TIE Fighter, hadn't checked in yet. _The Empire is in severe need for ships to add to its fleet. This extra TIE Fighter, once recovered, should augment the Empire's forces quite well_, Pellaeon growled mentally to himself. Pellaeon felt the hairs on the back of his neck tingle, fully expecting them to rise. Apparently, that little sensation did not go unnoticed by the brilliant Grand Admiral, who uncocked his blue-black eyebrow and turned to regard Pellaeon.

"Ah, what is the status report captain? Ah!" He asked coolly, his voice as smooth as transparasteel glass.

Pellaeon turned and growled a response to his superior, almost forgetting to cock an eyebrow. "Reports indicate that we lost the Star Destroyer Preemptory sir, as well as three squadrons of TIE fighters".

"Ah! Excellent, the enemy is falling directly in our trap!" Thrawn said coolly, with a slight grin creeping up on his light blue face and his light blue lips.

Pellaeon felt his face twitch, only slightly, but again, the brilliant Grand Admiral, in his spotless white, grand admiral's uniform and his pale blue skin and shimmering blue-black hair and glittering red eyes, didn't miss it. "Ah! A question, captain?" Thrawn demurred, his voice as smooth as a Bith infant's cranial cavity.

Pellaeon turned to regard his superior, and looked him straight in his glittering brilliant glowing red eyes. "Yes sir. Frankly, sir, I fail to see the logic behind losing a Star Destroyer and three, excuse me, four TIE Squadrons in an attack on an enemy base to steal a parked TIE Fighter."

This time Pellaeon did feel the hairs on his back rise sharply, it was against Imperial protocol to question one's superior, especially if that superior is a Grand Admiral. More importantly, if that superior is the most brilliant man, no being, that ever lived, Grand Admiral Thrawn.

"Do you captain. Do you indeed?" Thrawn asked coolly, smoothly raising a blue black eyebrow for added emphasis at his fascination of Pellaeon's remark.

"Yes sir, I realize that the Empire is in dire need of ships to add to the fleet, but in my years in the Imperial academy, specifically Logistics & Supply, I learned that launching an attack costing you thousands of troops, an Imperial Star Destroyer, and squadrons of TIE Fighters to obtain an extra TIE Fighter craft would actually leave us in somewhat of a disadvantaged position from where we were before," Pellaeon growled and barked at Thrawn.

The Grand Admiral let a small smile creep up on his blue lips, which are located on his blue face beneath his glittering red eyes. "Ah! Allow me to explain, captain: after their brilliant ruse to place that soda can from Ukio on the Chimaera, in an attempt, no doubt, to make us attack Ukio, where no doubt they have set a trap for us, our enemies have miscalculated, and, instead, underestimated my brilliant tactical mind." Thrawn said, an unusually large smile showing up on his blue lips. It was not microscopic in nature, or even brief. Seeing Pellaeon's confusion, and probably his lack of cocked eyebrow, Thrawn continued.

"Ah! You see, captain, by attacking Mrrst, where Admiral Ackbar has visited three years ago, and, in fact, befriended the Prime Minister of the planet, the Rebels will no doubt suspect Admiral Ackbar of treason, and, because we have not attacked Ukio as they so desperately wanted, their suspicions will no doubt increase exponentially!" Thrawn said, a hint of satisfaction evident on his coolly modulated voice, which was as smooth as a cold glass of Higarian soda water '87 in the baking Shallarlla beaches of Circumtore.

Before Pellaeon could respond, he noticed a tech from the Chimaera's crew pit waving frantically at Thrawn, "Sir! Delta team reports massive casualties, and that their capture by the enemy is imminent!" the ensign screamed frantically.

Thrawn did not even flinch, his cool demeanor still etched on his face. He instead calmly turned to his Noghri bodyguard, forcing Pellaeon's neck hair to quiver slightly from side to side. With a smooth and calculated movement of his pale blue hands, Rukh moved at incredible speeds, too fast for the poor ensign to react to. Amid the stunned silence of the Chimaera's crew, Thrawn said dryly " Ah! Prepare the fleet for lightspeed, captain. We may have lost the TIE objective, but our primary goal, the creation of fear and uncertainty in the Rebellion, has been achieved brilliantly!"

Pellaeon couldn't help but look at awe at his brilliant superior: those glittering red eyes, the shimmering blue black hair, the randomly cocking blue-black eyebrows, all contrasting sharply with his pale blue skin and his spotless white Grand admiral's uniform. Yes, Pellaeon could finally see why the late Emperor Palpatine has made this man, no, god, one of the Empire's Grand Admirals.

"With pleasure, sir," Pellaeon growled, and couldn't help but let a small, microscopic feral grin form on his lips.

In a few moments, the Chimaera and its remaining task force gave flickers of psuedomotion, and vanished into hyperspace, leaving behind the smoldering wreckage of Imperial and Republic ships in its wake.

Chapter 6:

"I see them!" Luke Skywalker said as he dove his X-wing into a sharp turn to avoid the TIE Fighter on his back. Outside of his canopy, the battle of Billbringi was in full swing.

Luke shook his head in astonishment. Somehow, despite Thrawn's brilliant attack on Mrsst, despite the fact that he only lost two Star Destroyers and five TIE squads in that engagement, and despite the fact that he came extremely close to stealing a TIE fighter from that planet's defense force, thus tipping the balance of power in the galaxy squarely to the Empire's side, the brilliant Grand Admiral somehow was waiting for them here in Billbringi, bringing with him the entire Imperial Starfleet, 9 Star Destroyers strong.

Luke flipped his comm link to Mara's Z-95 Headhunter, designated _I was the Emperor's Hand, Really, I was_ and Mara's caustic voice rattled through the speaker. "...Pfffft.... Vader was an idiot. The Emperor would let me put him on a leash and let Thrawn, who is brilliant, ride him like a mule. Thrawn was the greatest man that ever lived, even the Emperor was no match for him...."

"Mara" Luke interrupted dryly.

Mara Jade, the former Emperor's Hand, did not seem to notice, and continued her conversation with the mechanic on the Mon Calamari flagship. "...Did you know it was Thrawn who trained the Emperor in the ways of the Force, and plotted his rise to power? _That_ came after Thrawn dressed up as a Fluvian and solved their ancient 5,000 year old puzzle, the first being to do so. Right after that, he won the gambling tournament on Bespin, and used that money to become the best selling musical artist in the galaxy, but before that, he...."

"Mara!" Luke sardonically yelled.

"What is it Skywalker?!" Mara spit out.

"Watch out!" Luke warned.

Mara immediately cocked an eyebrow and turned her fighter around to barely avoid an incoming concssion missile. "Come now, Skywalker, I don't know if you are aware, but I was the EMPEROR'S HAND, and the Emperor taught me how to avoid missiles while he was using the 'fresher one time in his throne room," Mara said sardonically.

Luke cocked an eyebrow. It wasn't common for Mara to say anything about her past.

"Never mind! I never talk about my past, Skywalker!" Mara spat again. Luke shook his head, and couldn't stop himself from wondering about Mara's mysterious past.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Captain Gilad Pellaeon stood at attention on the Chimaera's bridge, cocking an eyebrow at the battle up ahead. Suddenly the sensor officer waved frantically, and Pellaeon's back neck hair went berserk in a violent twitching motion when he saw why. Apparently the blue-haired, blue-skinned, red-eyed, cocking eyebrow-ed, brilliant Grand Admiral noticed the vibrations that resulted from Pellaeon's overactive hair follicles, and came to where Pellaeon was standing.

"Sir…," Pellaeon growled at Thrawn.

"I see them captain," Thrawn interrupted coolly.

Pellaeon uncocked his eyebrow and turned to regard Thrawn. _Did the Grand Admiral just say a sentence without starting it with...._

"Ah!" Thrawn added quickly, catching his error, and once again, his voice was as smooth as the sound of a choir of virginal Ta'aki singing in perfect unison, while a warm breeze flowed and a slight cooling drizzle of rain fell on your shoulders as you were massaged into eternal bliss by sensual Zoltron female courtesans, all the while drinking a fine glass of Tionian '76 wine.

"Ah! I see that five smuggler ships have entered the fray. Don't worry captain, we're not through yet! Ah!" Thrawn continued, his voice as smooth as the left nostril of a.... "Ah!" Thrawn repreated, and Pellaeon quickly turned around to regard his superior, for Thrawn's voice was neither dry, nor sardonic, nor feral, nor cool, nor calculated, and as soon as Pellaeon turned around and cocked an eyebrow, he understood why. The brilliant Grand Admiral's white uniform was stained a brilliant red with his own brilliant blood, and his blue-black eyebrows were strangely even and uncocked, his blue lips similiarly motionless, and his brilliant red eyes glowing less brilliantly than usual.

"Ahhhh...!" Thrawn let out again, and the brilliant glow of his eyes and the shimmer in his blue-black hair faded. Thrawn, the most brilliant being that ever existed in the entire history of the universe and was the Creator of all things past, present, and future, was no more. Pellaeon uncocked his eyebrow and signaled for the fleet to withdraw.


End file.
